From an unnamed production office for an undisclosed television show in an address-withheld building in LA where the elevators are shockingly slow...
Today is a big day around my office. We shoot our show on Thursdays, and that means that everyone is assigned more tasks/tasks that are actually pressing. It will, however, shock me if we are able to successfully make a TV show mere hours from now for one big reason: Against all edicts, office policy, and team-workiness... I left the building today for an hour and a half. We are discouraged from leaving even for lunch on a slow day, but today- on the day of busy days- I had an appointment that I had to make and- without permission- I went for it.
I thought up a cover story for if I was seen on my way out, holding my purse, and closing in on the elevator. "Oh," I would say, "I'm just running across the street to Baja Fresh for pick up. I'll be back in five minutes." Genius.
I worked out a cover story for if someone got in the elevator with me and saw that I had pressed the button for the parking level. "Oh," I would say, "I forgot my phone in my car. Just going down to grab it. I'll be back in two minutes." Inspired.
I slaved over a cover story for if I was seen exiting from/returning to the parking garage, essentially caught red-handed. "Oh," I would say, probably sniffling or hunching my posture awkwardly, "I had to go pick up a prescription. I'll be back/it only took ten minutes." Fool proof.
All that planning, all that tangled web-weaving, all those nerves racing... I used none of those excuses. And not because I cleverly avoided high traffic corridors or wore a clever disguise; not because I was able to geniusly conduct all business from/erase all traces of using my iPhone. No. I was not called upon to use any of these excuses and have my lying pants burst into flame because no one noticed. Not even a little. So what a relief! What a victory! What a devastating commentary on my zero-impact totally-expendable-contribution to this production! At least there are free cupcakes today. I would eat all of them, but their absence would not go unnoticed.