March 17, 2010

The candyman can't

From an unnamed university in the greater San Francisco Bay Area...

We know that the end of the school year is a busy time for our students, especially those who are preparing to graduate. In an effort to provide all kinds of support, we keep a stash of chocolate in our office for stress-eating. The students are mostly appreciative of this, but lately they've gotten a little too accustomed to getting their sweet fix from our office. Here are quotes from grown adults in regards to our office candy or lack thereof:

"The candy's gone already?"

"You mean there aren't any Reese's left?"

"One time you guys had like Nerds and Laffy Taffy--do you have any of that?"

"Ugh-just M&Ms?"

"I promised Matt a Snickers, but you only have Milky Way."

Which leads me to the first in what I believe will be a series of open letters to people who upset me. Without further adieu:

Dear students in our building,

Believe it or not, it is not our job to supply you with any type of sugar at all, let alone what you happen to be craving at the moment. Here is how you should approach taking candy from our office.

1. Come in.
2. Say hi.
3. Take a piece of candy.*
4. Say "thank you."
5. Get the hell out.

Loving regards,

*If we do not have the kind of candy of you were in the mood for, we could not care less. Take your second favorite or walk your ass across the street to the market and buy it.

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