May 17, 2010

"Letter Down Easy" is Worse Than That Belize Pun

From an unnamed production office for an undisclosed television show in an address-withheld building in LA where the elevators are shockingly slow...

A day's worth of open letters from a glass half empty.  Hey- Where's my refill?

Dear New Doctor I Went to This Morning,
Something that I feel is abundantly clear to both of us is that I, unlike you, am not a doctor, so next time would you kindly use our time together to do things like tell me I'm doing great at something that I have no idea about like my blood pressure, or give me shots and then say I was so brave and I will smile knowing that I would rather get shots than be at work?  Could I please interest you in doing those things rather than rolling your eyes every time I ask you to clarify something you just said and taking apparent delight in lording your vast medical knowledge over me, a one-time Dramatic Arts major?  Also- Your magazines suck.  - K

Dear Person Who Left the Irish Whiskey Cake on the Community Goods Table,
You have to understand the kind of hope that filled me when I saw a treat up for grabs that involved both whiskey and cake, and you must also imagine the back story that I invented wherein the cake was so so good that you had to bring it to work because you'd already had two and you had to stop yourself before you ate a third during a single commercial break.  Actually it just wasn't good.  Next time could you make a note of that somewhere?  Thanks!  - K

Dear Chair Masseur That My Bosses Hired to Come to Our Office Today,
Thanks for being a really cool idea in theory, and thank you for saying that my shoulders are knotted because I always really like it when someone says that as though it means I do some sort of hard work, but no thank you for asking me about things like my work commute and my specific job tasks during the only 15 minutes all day that I spent away from my desk.  It was almost as unsatisfying as being massaged through polyester in a conference room with my coworker pitching a pilot to your associate.  But I do appreciate the spa tote!  - K

Dear Person Who Left the Chocolate Biscotti on the Community Goods Table After I Had Already Been Disappointed in the Irish Whiskey Cake,
See Above.  - K 

Dear Two Men I Am Dining With This Evening,
The two of you love each other, and consequesntly I would love it if you both loved my hair and outfit.  I am leaving work right this minute to try to make that happen.  Tell me I look like a fabulous celebrity?  - K

1 comment:

  1. I've experience a similar disappointment with Guinness cake.

    Also: holy shit I LOVED The Jolly Postman! Such good memories. I need to find that book again, stat.