April 8, 2010

Attack of the Machines

From an unnamed production office for an undisclosed television show in an address-withheld building in LA where the elevators are shockingly slow...

An open letter to whomever makes the executive stocking decisions for the second floor vending machine:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I've been using vending machines for as long as I can remember.  And let me start off by saying that if you or any of your colleagues had anything to do with the ample supply of Funyuns at a certain Northern California middle school in the early nineties, I thank you.  Truly.  It was a dream.

Today, however, I am writing to you to enlist your help with a problem.  I'm sure that you are a faithful reader of this blog (who isn't, right Mom?) and so are familiar with how I feel about treats in the workplace: Simply, devoted.  Which means, I think, that you and I have something special in common: Neither of us could do our job if snacks didn't exist.  Isn't it cool, how connected we are?  You work a physically demanding and thankless job, carrying food up stairs on your very back through nothing but your body's sheer force, and I sit at a desk complaining and eating that stuff!

But here's the thing:  Where the eff have my Rice Crispy Treats been and who in their right mind would put Pop Tarts in B1 in the vending machine in their place?!  Oh- There are other alternatives?  You're right.  C7 is a Cinnabon Bar that I didn't even know existed until I started working here, and then when I read the fine print on the back that suggested that I put it in the microwave for seven seconds my head almost exploded from the gooey deliciousness, and that would be a totally viable replacement for the Rice Crispy Treats... If the Cinnabon Bars hadn't been replaced with yogurt covered granola bars!  This is not reasonable!  That's like swapping out someone's dear child or beloved pet and leaving in their place... A much much less cool child or pet!

So how can we meet in the middle on this?  Which is to say, how can you go back to doing this exactly as I want?  I'm being torn apart.  Today I had to bring a bag full of baked goods from home and put it on the table in the communal area just to be certain that I would be able to eat my fill of sweets while also collecting thank yous and compliments from my coworkers.  It has been a trying time.  Please- Hear my cry.

B1 Rice Crispy Treats, C7 Cinnabon Bars.

Thank you for your prompt attention,

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