June 9, 2010
Say Hello to Your Acquaintances
From an unnamed university in the greater San Francisco Bay Area...
It's been awhile since I've done an open letter, and today I've been inspired to write 4. Without further adieu:
Dear IT guy,
I don't know what happened to you to make you such a crank. Is it because we all think your Russian wife is mail order? Is it because you have no discernible neck? I've worked with well-intentioned IT guys with no social skills before, but you are actively unpleasant. We know you love to tell us everything that we're doing wrong and complain about doing any work at all, but it's making us all hate you so bad. So bad.
What do I need to do to get you fired?
Dear friend with a new baby,
I'm happy for you. I really am. This is nothing personal, but I am hiding you on my Facebook news feed because I cannot read any more posts about your baby's sleeping/eating/pooping habits. I totally get that you're home alone all day and totally focused on your baby, but I need you to understand that no one else cares.
Dear phone repairman,
You cannot call me "sweetie." You just can't.
Dear 19 year old workstudy student,
You are young and cute. This office is casual. But for the love of God, those shorts are way too short. We won't be wondering if your legs get magically fat at your crotch if you wear shorts that are just an inch or two longer. We all get that you have a nice figure. We do not need to see your ass to be convinced of that fact.