Wake Up, San Francisco

From an unnamed university in the greater San Francisco Bay Area...

The days immediately following Spring Forward are rough. I'm less than delightful on a full night of sleep, so when you rob me of an hour, it really gets ugly. Literally. Here's how this morning went (each time marks another hit of the snooze button):

7:30: "Just ten more minutes"

7:40: "I don't need to straighten my hair"

7:50: "Or blow dry my hair"

8:00: "I bet I could get away with pulling my hair back and just putting on lots of deodorant. No shower!"

8:10: "Okay, so you'll get up, put on clothes, brush your teeth, and drink your coffee on your walk to work."

8:20: "Drive to work."

8:30: "Hey, it's S. I'm going to be in late this morning. See you around 9:30."

And so it was. I am not only here at work unshowered, but I also forewent my usual morning walk in favor of driving and paying a ridiculous amount of money for a daily parking pass, and still managed to be half an hour late. That Employee of the Month certificate should be showing up anyday.

Make Another Choice. A Less Dumb One.

From an unnamed production office for an undisclosed television show in an address-withheld building in LA where the elevators are shockingly slow...

S mentioned in her post about ridiculous coffee-mongering college students that "make another choice" is a phrase that I introduced to her.  I started saying that at my last job because- before I joined the respectable and noble ranks of television production whores- I was throwing my life away, frivolously shaping the future of America working as a preschool teacher.  And in that kind of setting, saying, "Stop licking that ketchup from someone else's lunch off the ground!  You are grossing me out so bad- What is wrong with you?!" or telling a child something like, "But if you hit the other children they will like you less than they already do, and being an outcast at four years old is not a good look, so shape up or wear cooler shirts or something," wasn't totally within our positive language guidelines as educators.  Instead we employed "Make another choice," and it's very close cousin, "That is not a choice."  And these expressions have served me well outside of the world of toddlers.  They can even be used with the kids' inferiors: People working in the entertainment industry.

For example:  "I would like half regular mustard, and half the red mustard that comes on the other turkey sandwich, but not on this one because they're out of it, but you should just ask, and then I would like to send you to walk three blocks with a 20 dollar bill for a lunch that will cost 20 dollars and 19 cents, and have you say sorry and that you will walk back with two dimes right away."  And that gets a big old "make another choice".

Or:  "I would like to have you do the job that I am supposed to all afternoon, and then have you tell me exactly all the things I would know if I had done it so that I can present them to the boss and the staff at our meeting as if I actually did do them, OK?"  A "that is not a choice" classic.

Such great expressions!  So easy!  So useful!  So something I would never ever say and fear that even writing this notion down in a totally kidding way (haha, right, coworkers from whom I work very hard to hide this blog but can't imagine I am totally successful because secretly maybe I don't even really care?) will get me fired!

Keep not falling on my head

From an unnamed university in the greater San Francisco Bay Area...

It's raining today. It's raining pretty hard. Now I'm not thrilled about this, but I was prepared for it, because I look at the weather online every day before getting ready for work, at least during this time of the year when Northern California weather can be a little unpredictable. I saw that rain was predicted for the day, so I, like many, many others wore a rain coat today and brought an umbrella to work. Reasonable, no?

I get to work and a colleague is wearing suede. Not the wisest choice for rainy weather, but hey, it's her life. She stops me by the arm and says "how did you know it was going to rain today?" "Um, I looked at the weather report online and it said it would probably rain today, and then, this morning, when I left my house, it was raining." "How did I miss the rain? I mean, I wore SUEDE today."

You did, honey. You really did. I don't know how to help people who can't figure out when it's raining, so I mock them anonymously instead.

Chopin broccoli

From an unnamed university in the greater San Francisco Bay Area...

One of the things I actually do like about working for a university is the use of student facilities, particularly the workout center. The campus gym is easily the nicest facility in town, and it has the benefit of being very close to where I work, and my membership is pretty cheap (but not free, as some people think).

What I don't like about working out at the campus gym is that I am there with lots of fit, lithe, young undergrads. They prance around in the short shorts, showing off their cellulite-free legs and concave stomachs and I send them hate daggers from the elliptical machine where good lord, I've only been on for 7:34?

I've also found that a lot of said undergrads do not have a sense of humor. Case in point, this morning I went into the locker room and the attendant was no older than 19, reading a large text book at the desk, and listening to a lovely piece of classical music. As she scanned my ID card, I said, "this is beautiful, what is it?" She replied, "[something] by Chopin." Before heading into the locker room, I faux-pompously declared, "I believe that's pronounced 'Choppin'." She looked at me like I was the dumbest person she had ever seen and said, "No, it's Chopin. I know. I'm a music major." She's clearly not a Facetiousness Major.

Noise Violated

From an unnamed production office for an undisclosed television show in an address-withheld building in LA where the elevators are shockingly slow...

Two of my office mates just staged an experiment to see how much noise they could make using items in our immediate office.  Until one of the many people within earshot came to our doorway to tell them to stop, there were golf clubs being banged on lamps, desk drawers slamming, and feet stomping.  Also one 27-year-old crying at what her life has come to.

And the Bargain Deli Platter Goes To...

From an unnamed production office for an undisclosed television show in an address-withheld building in LA where the elevators are shockingly slow...

The TV show I work for is somewhere between a real small potatoes show, and a regular small potatoes show, so last night when we were graced with a special guest who was a 2010 Oscar nominated performer, no one was more surprised or delighted than our staff.  The word came down straight from the top: Spiff up the Green Room!  Pull out all the stops!  Spare no expense!  Show this actor that we know who they are and we respect them!  TAKE THIS SMALL BILL AND GET THEM A HORMEL PEPPERONI AND CHEESE TRAY FROM RALPH'S FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS GLAMOUR!

And so it was:

And so it remained completely un-eaten.  Until about 11 p.m. when two of my coworkers and I went to tidy up, discovered it, turned on Real Housewives of New York, kicked up our feet on the dressing room coffee table, and went to town. 

There was also classy fruit:

And Shamrock cookies.  They were not available for blog photography.  Because we ate them all.

Your mom

From an unnamed university in the greater San Francisco Bay Area...

A friend from grad school forwarded me a link to another burgeoning blog that promises to provide plenty of workday distractions once it's up and running. Check it out and if you have something awesome to contribute, please do, because I cannot wait to see what other people's crazy moms think constitutes an appropriate gift.

http://giftsfromyourmom.tumblr.com/